I honestly never expected to meet anyone like Dominic. First meeting him, I mistook his quiet confidence for arrogance, because I had never met (any guy) with such a controlled presence--and this piqued my interest in him as a person. Coming out a very serious relationship, I fought myself to not fall into the trap of romantic attachment, but to get to know him as a person....to pursue a genuine friendship. It didn't work though. I had a very real attraction to this man. Quite honestly, no matter what you may think, there is NOTHING you can do to control the nature of attraction. I think that it helped that I was pursuing other male options, and was involved in other male romantic situations because it kind of kept my energy balanced out in a way. I wasn't (initially) looking for Dominic to fill romantic voids, but after establishing a genuine friendship with him, I was smitten. I was ready to cut all my other male "boo-skis" completely off! I almost felt that I betrayed some code, because I wasn't supposed to like him! I had forced myself not to "like" him! Besides, he had too much female energy constantly being directed at him at work, and I wasn't interested in being a member of his fan club--at all!
Looking back in retrospect at the course of our relationship (which is FAR from perfect) I can only say that the road to commitment was one that was really unforeseen. I enacted no intentional strategies to make him fall in love with me, nor he I. Our relationship began with a genuine friendship with no expectations.....I didn't know WHAT to expect and that was the adventure that made finding a maturing love relationship with Dominic so exciting. Finding love meant letting go of fear. The fear of not knowing. Finding love meant letting go of illusions of control; to let love take me wherever it may. And I must say that love has taken me some VERY interesting places.....but it has made me that much more grateful. The lessons I have learned (and will continue to learn), which will be passed on to my children, are invaluable.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
"I Am Ready for Love. Why Are You Hiding From Me?"
So..........it's no secret that there appears to be a dearth of preferable life partners that are available to the Black women. Or is that really the case? What are some of the standards that Black women adopt when choosing life partners? From what pool of "qualified applicants" are they selecting? I'm not sure, but I can certainly say that from my experience talking to some friends the trimmings seem to be pretty damn slim.
I can't speak for all my Queens, because everyone's journey to love is different, but I know that I personally feel bad when talking to some of my girlfriends who don't necessarily understand where the "good" Black men are (because that's what they want---good Black men). What makes it worse is that I honestly can't relate to their plight because I know now what it is to be in a relationship with a good Black man (although we are both far from perfect, but continuously strive to perfect our love nonetheless). I can only provide my journey to love and the journey to meeting my King.
I've never had a problem finding a man with whom to be in a relationship. That was actually the problem. I was desperately afraid of being alone and attached myself as a way to compensate. Every relationship before "the one" originated out of a mentality of lack. I didn't want to be alone, and therefore sought the physical validation of romantic companionship. I needed the physical validation of knowing that I was good enough for someone else; the physical validation of knowing that I was worthy enough in someone else's eyes. However, until I ultimately addressed my issues of "lack" I always eventually tired of the person that I was involved with--always yearning for more, desiring more. There was always a void that not even the illusory physical validation of being in a relationship would fulfill, and being in a relationship ALWAYS reflected this very fact! But then again I was in my early twenties then. The older I became the more comfortable I became in my own skin. When I finally did have my "A-Ha" moment I genuinely set out to test my theory. Could I be comfortable by myself? Needing no relationship to validate my worth?
When I set out to test this theory it was like a burden had been lifted. I wasn't "seeking" and could therefore be genuinely sought. Don't get me wrong, there were times that I had to battle my old mindset of wanting to attach myself (because it was an old and comfortable mindset). It's funny that even while "single" I had a lot of fun because life was so new and fresh to me then. I had recently graduated from college had begun making my imprint on the professional world, and had my best girl friends Tacarra and Shavonne, as roomates, to share my experiences with. So when a new friend started consistently hanging out they were the first to find out all about him.............
(TO BE CONTINUED)
I can't speak for all my Queens, because everyone's journey to love is different, but I know that I personally feel bad when talking to some of my girlfriends who don't necessarily understand where the "good" Black men are (because that's what they want---good Black men). What makes it worse is that I honestly can't relate to their plight because I know now what it is to be in a relationship with a good Black man (although we are both far from perfect, but continuously strive to perfect our love nonetheless). I can only provide my journey to love and the journey to meeting my King.
I've never had a problem finding a man with whom to be in a relationship. That was actually the problem. I was desperately afraid of being alone and attached myself as a way to compensate. Every relationship before "the one" originated out of a mentality of lack. I didn't want to be alone, and therefore sought the physical validation of romantic companionship. I needed the physical validation of knowing that I was good enough for someone else; the physical validation of knowing that I was worthy enough in someone else's eyes. However, until I ultimately addressed my issues of "lack" I always eventually tired of the person that I was involved with--always yearning for more, desiring more. There was always a void that not even the illusory physical validation of being in a relationship would fulfill, and being in a relationship ALWAYS reflected this very fact! But then again I was in my early twenties then. The older I became the more comfortable I became in my own skin. When I finally did have my "A-Ha" moment I genuinely set out to test my theory. Could I be comfortable by myself? Needing no relationship to validate my worth?
When I set out to test this theory it was like a burden had been lifted. I wasn't "seeking" and could therefore be genuinely sought. Don't get me wrong, there were times that I had to battle my old mindset of wanting to attach myself (because it was an old and comfortable mindset). It's funny that even while "single" I had a lot of fun because life was so new and fresh to me then. I had recently graduated from college had begun making my imprint on the professional world, and had my best girl friends Tacarra and Shavonne, as roomates, to share my experiences with. So when a new friend started consistently hanging out they were the first to find out all about him.............
(TO BE CONTINUED)
Thursday, March 3, 2011
What Does Sex Really Mean?
I've always been a big proponent of believing that women have the right and should determine their own sex lives as long as some level of responsibility was excercised, by using some form of contraception to protect their physical bodies. I have heard countless women (including myself) say things like, "It's just sex. Men do it all the time. So why not women," or things like, "Sometimes sex is just sex....nothing more." After viewing the video clip above which thoroughly explained the specific chemical reactions that takes place with each new sexual encounter, I KNOW I will never take this stance anymore. How many times have you heard women say, "It's just sex," only to see women fall into the emotional trap of wanting more; realizing that their bodies ultimately betrayed them??? As I've grown older, I know now that I only told myself these lies, ALL LIES, to justify my then promiscuous behavior. Men and women process sex differently...PERIOD. I think the mistake that we as women have made is believing that we are somehow inferior because we DO process our sexual experiences differently than men. Women cannot take on the sexual patterns as some men----because we are NOT men. And this realization does not make us inferior, but should empower us. We are the gatekeepers; men need our permission to enter. The results of trying to adopt the sexual behavior that some men display is far more damaging to women's bodies than to men's. Pregnancy and the possibility of contracting STD's are not the worse thing that can happen. A broken spirit, and the emotional distraught of attempting to play the game that some men play will, without question, manifest in our physical bodies. So...tell me what do you think of the video posted above?
Friday, February 25, 2011
Connected Through The Disconnection
When I contemplated on the different topics that I'd post about, I began to shift the many indices readily available to my mind. After considering many topics that I could have possibly delved into, I finally settled into this one: Have we confused technological evolution with that of human evolution? Does technological evolution promise equivalent advances to the state of humanity shared by all in the world?
As I see it, we have an abundance of technology that appear to seemingly enhance the quality of life, especially those living in the Western hemisphere. Even now, as I post this I'm watching Stephen King's, "The Shining" being streamed for free (courtesy of Netflix) via my Wii device. Further examples of technology that we experience include the emergence of smartphones which allow one to access information and perform tasks that only computers were thought to accomplish at one time. I'm saying all of that to say this: it seems that we have somehow confused the independence that technology provides, and have transmuted and therefore internalized the mechanisms of technology as something that will enhance our human attributes. However, I want to give those reading a reality check: MY FRIENDS, TECHNOLOGY HAS DONE QUITE THE OPPOSITE.
I have never felt more un-human than to go onto a CTA train/bus to see that everyone is "plugged in" to some device. That no one is paying attention to each other...that it's almost a crime to make eye contact with a complete stranger...or to smile...or to be courteous...or to say hello to someone you don't know...ultimately to be human (or show human-like qualities) is not ok.
I in no way am saying that technology is the cause for the human disconnect, because we humans create the technology that we enjoy and experience. However, it is a shame when technology serves as a wall that deflects true human interaction and genuine human experience. Ideally technology should enhance the human experience, not replace it. I can personally recount plenty of times being at the movie theatre, at a restaurant, or at a musical performance, and instead of enjoying the full experience of what was to come, I'm instead pre-occupied with who commented on my FaceBook status, who mentioned me on Twitter (including re-tweets), or who's texting me on my cell phone. Sadly enough, there are those who wake up first thing in the morning, to reach for their phones or go online to maintain their constructed "cyber worlds" at the expense of their own waning lives and uncultivated relationships.
So now I ask you, where do you fall on the technological spectrum? How does technology serve you? Does it serve YOU? Or are you a servant of IT? Does technology help you to express your humanity? Or is it merely a medium which dictates the way you interact with others? I actually wonder if the disconnection that technology has caused actually make us more human because there are so many similarly disconnected people? What do you think?
As I see it, we have an abundance of technology that appear to seemingly enhance the quality of life, especially those living in the Western hemisphere. Even now, as I post this I'm watching Stephen King's, "The Shining" being streamed for free (courtesy of Netflix) via my Wii device. Further examples of technology that we experience include the emergence of smartphones which allow one to access information and perform tasks that only computers were thought to accomplish at one time. I'm saying all of that to say this: it seems that we have somehow confused the independence that technology provides, and have transmuted and therefore internalized the mechanisms of technology as something that will enhance our human attributes. However, I want to give those reading a reality check: MY FRIENDS, TECHNOLOGY HAS DONE QUITE THE OPPOSITE.
I have never felt more un-human than to go onto a CTA train/bus to see that everyone is "plugged in" to some device. That no one is paying attention to each other...that it's almost a crime to make eye contact with a complete stranger...or to smile...or to be courteous...or to say hello to someone you don't know...ultimately to be human (or show human-like qualities) is not ok.
I in no way am saying that technology is the cause for the human disconnect, because we humans create the technology that we enjoy and experience. However, it is a shame when technology serves as a wall that deflects true human interaction and genuine human experience. Ideally technology should enhance the human experience, not replace it. I can personally recount plenty of times being at the movie theatre, at a restaurant, or at a musical performance, and instead of enjoying the full experience of what was to come, I'm instead pre-occupied with who commented on my FaceBook status, who mentioned me on Twitter (including re-tweets), or who's texting me on my cell phone. Sadly enough, there are those who wake up first thing in the morning, to reach for their phones or go online to maintain their constructed "cyber worlds" at the expense of their own waning lives and uncultivated relationships.
So now I ask you, where do you fall on the technological spectrum? How does technology serve you? Does it serve YOU? Or are you a servant of IT? Does technology help you to express your humanity? Or is it merely a medium which dictates the way you interact with others? I actually wonder if the disconnection that technology has caused actually make us more human because there are so many similarly disconnected people? What do you think?
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