Lessons In Rejection

"Human validation makes us human, but the lack thereof makes us no less human" (Nicolia Kelly).



"But you know what really gets me?  It's the yuppies that live in Lake View and Lincoln Park.  Their rich (living off their parents money) and they don't know how to drive."

On another occasion, more comments sounded like this:

"Most of the people in law school don't deserve to be there. They just have money and have bought their way in.  Everyone in college isn't smart.  Most people in college aren't the smartest in the tool shed."

These words, uttered by my team lead wasn't knew to me.  Actually this was a conversation that wasn't new to any of us.  She talks about how privileged "yuppies" are.  How they got everything they wanted without having to work for anything.  But the person spewing these comments clearly had a chip on her shoulder, and everyone knew it.  Working with paralegals and attorneys, co-workers often share their experience of law school, or intentions to go.  After intense conversation about this subject, it was finally revealed that Sarah* applied to several law schools and was rejected from all of them.  This was the chip on her shoulder.

This revelation proved to be a huge "a-ha!" moment and once uttered we all understood the root of her bitterness.  I then began to contemplate on my own life and wondered what type of person I'd be if I had allowed rejection to determine what type of person I'd become.  Let me share my story:

The prospect of going away to college was VERY exciting for me.  Not just because I would be the first college graduate, but because I'd be able to fulfill my dream of joining an organization that, since my sophomore year in high school, I'd been thoroughly researching.  An organization of collegiate women who were committed to service.  My first opportunity I had to join this organization I would JUMP on it; it was something that was impressed upon my heart. My first chance came to join and I couldn't because those biology courses that I enrolled in (hey I declared a major in pre-med initially!!!!) just didn't work out, and adversely affected my G.P.A.  I was told to get my grades up and try again...and I did....again, and again, and again--every year until the end of my college career, to no avail.  Every time new members of the organization were introduced to campus, I managed to keep my composure--I really had no choice!  But on the inside there were a WHIRLWIND of questions.  What was wrong with me?  Why was I constantly being denied something that I persistently went after?  What qualities did the other members who were accepted into the organization have that I didn't?

To really understand the anguish that I was experiencing, one would have to know that I'd heard "yes" my entire life.  From auditioning to get into the Midwest's sole performing arts high school, to being inducted into honor societies my middle and high school academic career, it was only natural that I'd come to college and continue this history of excellence which was a standard for me prior to entering college.  Despite having references from other high ranking members already in the organization (as well as references from college professors) membership into this organization was always denied me. I couldn't understand for the life of me what the current members of the organization wanted from me.  What did I need to show that I was worthy?  That I qualified?  Obviously the qualifications of membership were not REALLY the qualifications because on paper I qualified (other members who recommended me for membership thought so).  So what was I missing?

Only after graduating from college was I able to FULLY learn the lesson, and escape the bitterness of the young lady mentioned at the beginning.  Rejection is never about the person being rejected. Rejection can positively transform....but only if you learn and accept the lesson. If I had internalized the rejection of being denied membership year after year, semester after semester, I would have been just as bitter as the young woman discussed earlier.  And believe me it was hard!  Especially (as in my case) when you're not given any reason for the rejection.  Hearing "no" year after year, semester after semester forced me to evaluate who I was based on standards that were MINE not theirs.  Before entering college I was taught to do things (like make the honor roll; study hard; do well on your SAT's/ACT's; all so that you fit in to preferable social spaces (i.e. college). The experience of this constant rejection, while in college, forced me to ask if membership to this organization reflected me needing to fit in, or rather something that dovetailed an authentic, confident perspective that I already maintained for myself.  It forced me to reflect on what I thought about MYSELF.  No longer could I depend on acceptance into certain social spaces to determine my worth...or dictate who I was.  Would I let membership (or a lack thereof) detract from what and who I knew I was?  This experience caused me to own MYSELF for MYSELF, and not use an organization to cloak or crutch my existence.  Granted, I didn't seek membership for this purpose (to hide from myself), but I doubt that I would have had this revelation of myself because the need for self-introspection would not have existed if I'd been accepted into the organization (as I thought I would be).  Ultimately this rejection gave me a level of freedom that I didn't realize I needed.....the freedom from public opinion.  Before this incident I was always successful in every endeavor that I sought.  But this unique incident made me question if I was successful only because of the validation I'd get from the success, or because it was something that I truly wanted...for myself.  Choosing to be bitter would only confirm that I believed their opinion about me.  The constant denial of membership, while it hurt, doesn't decree or bear relevance to what I know to be true about who I am as a person....the core of my being.  This is the lesson I learned from rejection.  What's yours???

Part 2: "I Am Ready For Love: Why Are You Hiding From Me?"

I honestly never expected to meet anyone like Dominic.  First meeting him, I mistook his quiet confidence for arrogance, because I had never met (any guy) with such a controlled presence--and this piqued my interest in him as a person.  Coming out a very serious relationship, I fought myself to not fall into the trap of romantic attachment, but to get to know him as a person....to pursue a genuine friendship.  It didn't work though.  I had a very real attraction to this man.  Quite honestly, no matter what you may think, there is NOTHING you can do to control the nature of attraction.   I think that it helped that I was pursuing other male options, and was involved in other male romantic situations because it kind of kept my energy balanced out in a way.  I wasn't (initially) looking for Dominic to fill romantic voids, but after establishing a genuine friendship with him, I was smitten.   I was ready to cut all my other male "boo-skis" completely off!  I almost felt that I betrayed some code, because I wasn't supposed to like him!  I had forced myself not to "like" him!  Besides, he had too much female energy constantly being directed at him at work, and I wasn't interested in being a member of his fan club--at all!

Looking back in retrospect at the course of our relationship (which is FAR from perfect) I can only say that the road to commitment was one that was really unforeseen.  I enacted no intentional strategies to make him fall in love with me, nor he I.  Our relationship began with a genuine friendship with no expectations.....I didn't know WHAT to expect and that was the adventure that made finding a maturing love relationship with Dominic so exciting.  Finding love meant letting go of fear.  The fear of not knowing.  Finding love meant letting go of illusions of control; to let love take me wherever it may.  And I must say that love has taken me some VERY interesting places.....but it has made me that much more grateful.  The lessons I have learned (and will continue to learn), which will be passed on to my children, are invaluable.

"I Am Ready for Love. Why Are You Hiding From Me?"

So..........it's no secret that there appears to be a dearth of preferable life partners that are available to the Black women.  Or is that really the case?  What are some of the standards that Black women adopt when choosing life partners?  From what pool of "qualified applicants"  are they selecting?  I'm not sure, but I can certainly say that from my experience talking to some friends the trimmings seem to be pretty damn slim.

I can't speak for all my Queens, because everyone's journey to love is different,  but I know that I personally feel bad when talking to some of my girlfriends who don't necessarily understand where the "good" Black men are (because that's what they want---good Black men).  What makes it worse is that I honestly can't relate to their plight because I know now what it is to be in a relationship with a good Black man (although we are both far from perfect, but continuously strive to perfect our love nonetheless).  I can only provide my journey to love and the journey to meeting my King.

 I've never had a problem finding a man with whom to be in a relationship.  That was actually the problem.  I was desperately afraid of being alone and attached myself as a way to compensate.  Every relationship before "the one"  originated out of a mentality of lack.  I didn't want to be alone, and therefore sought the physical validation of romantic companionship.  I needed the physical validation of knowing that I was good enough for someone else; the physical validation of knowing that I was worthy enough in someone else's eyes.  However, until I ultimately addressed my issues of "lack" I always eventually tired of the person that I was involved with--always yearning for more, desiring more.  There was always a void that not even the illusory physical validation of being in a relationship would fulfill, and being in a relationship ALWAYS reflected this very fact!  But then again I was in my early twenties then.  The older I became the more comfortable I became in my own skin.  When I finally did have my "A-Ha" moment I genuinely set out to test my theory.  Could I be comfortable by myself?  Needing no relationship to validate my worth?

When I set out to test this theory it was like a burden had been lifted.  I wasn't "seeking" and could therefore be genuinely sought.  Don't get me wrong, there were times that I had to battle my old mindset of wanting to attach myself (because it was an old and comfortable mindset).  It's funny that even while "single"  I had a lot of fun because life was so new and fresh to me then.  I had recently graduated from college had begun making my imprint on the professional world, and had my best girl friends Tacarra and Shavonne, as roomates, to share my experiences with.  So when a new friend started consistently hanging out they were the first to find out all about him.............

                                                           (TO BE CONTINUED)

Women Having Sex With Many Men

What Does Sex Really Mean?

I've always been a big proponent of believing that women have the right and should determine their own sex lives as long as some level of responsibility was excercised, by using some form of contraception to protect their physical bodies.  I have heard countless women (including myself) say things like, "It's just sex.  Men do it all the time. So why not women,"  or things like, "Sometimes sex is just sex....nothing more." After viewing the video clip above which thoroughly explained the specific chemical reactions that takes place with each new sexual encounter, I KNOW I will never take this stance anymore.  How many times have you heard women say, "It's just sex,"  only to see women fall into the emotional trap of wanting more; realizing that their bodies ultimately betrayed them??? As I've grown older, I know now that I only told myself these lies, ALL LIES, to justify my then promiscuous behavior.  Men and women process sex differently...PERIOD.  I think the mistake that we as women have made is believing that we are somehow inferior because we DO process our sexual experiences differently than men.  Women cannot take on the sexual patterns as some men----because we are NOT men.  And this realization does not make us inferior, but should empower us.  We are the gatekeepers; men need our permission to enter.  The results of trying to adopt the sexual behavior that some men display is far more damaging to women's bodies than to men's.  Pregnancy and the possibility of contracting STD's are not the worse thing that can happen.  A broken spirit, and the emotional distraught of attempting to play the game that some men play will, without question, manifest in our physical bodies.   So...tell me what do you think of the video posted above?

Connected Through The Disconnection

When I contemplated on the different topics that I'd post about, I began to shift the many indices readily available to my mind.  After considering many topics that I could have possibly delved into, I finally settled into this one: Have we confused technological evolution with that of human evolution?  Does technological evolution promise equivalent advances to the state of humanity shared by all in the world?

As I see it, we have an abundance of technology that appear to seemingly enhance the quality of life, especially those living in the Western hemisphere.  Even now, as I post this I'm watching Stephen King's, "The Shining" being streamed for free (courtesy of Netflix) via my Wii device.  Further examples of technology that we experience include the emergence of smartphones which allow one to access information and perform tasks that only computers were thought to accomplish at one time.  I'm saying all of that to say this: it seems that we have somehow confused the independence that technology provides, and have transmuted and therefore internalized the mechanisms of technology as something that will enhance our human attributes.  However, I want to give those reading a reality check:  MY FRIENDS, TECHNOLOGY HAS DONE QUITE THE OPPOSITE.

I have never felt more un-human than to go onto a CTA train/bus to see that everyone is "plugged in" to some device.  That no one is paying attention to each other...that it's almost a crime to make eye contact with a complete stranger...or to smile...or to be courteous...or to say hello to someone you don't know...ultimately to be human (or show human-like qualities) is not ok.

I in no way am saying that technology is the cause for the human disconnect, because we humans create the technology that we enjoy and experience.  However, it is a shame when technology serves as a wall that deflects true human interaction and genuine human experience.  Ideally technology should enhance the human experience, not replace it.  I can personally recount plenty of times being at the movie theatre, at a restaurant, or at a musical performance, and instead of enjoying the full experience of what was to come, I'm instead pre-occupied with who commented on my FaceBook status, who mentioned me on Twitter (including re-tweets), or who's texting me on my cell phone.  Sadly enough, there are those who wake up first thing in the morning, to reach for their phones or go online to maintain their constructed "cyber worlds" at the expense of their own waning lives and uncultivated relationships. 

So now I ask you, where do you fall on the technological spectrum?  How does technology serve you?  Does it serve YOU?  Or are you a servant of IT?  Does technology help you to express your humanity?   Or is it merely a medium which dictates the way you interact with others?  I actually wonder if the disconnection that technology has caused actually make us more human because there are so many similarly disconnected people?  What do you think?

Separation vs. Integration...Were We Better Off?

Sometimes when I look around the culturally diverse city of Chicago, I secretly envy the fact that many different sects (i.e. Indian community, African community, Polish community, Chinese community) are able to sustain their ethnic identity and nativity by establishing business and institutions that best reflect their community values and customs, which ultimately empower them as a race.  I oftentimes think what if Blacks never fought for integration, but rather access to better resources by which to empower their own  independently functioning communities?  As I see it it today, Blacks have no collective source of community, and can therefore be easily exploited by other races, as was shown in Chris Rock's, "Good Hair,"  who have no true understanding of the needs of the communities that they serve.  Although segregation was inherently and morally unsound, the confidence (AND TRUST) that it forged amongst Blacks was very beneficial during a time of psychological hardship; but this trust has now disappeared altogether.  Under segregation Blacks became the change that they wanted to see instead of being beckoned by the promise that someone else would deliver that change.  Collectively, Blacks were more self-sufficient and were able to contribute significantly more to the economic fabric of the country--it seems now that we are merely the consumers of a strategic marketing game that has been designed to exploit our insecurities concerning our collective selves.  Did we forfeit our trust in each other to gain access to the "American Dream?"