"A Cautionary Tale: A Review of Tyler Perry's, "Tempation" (**Spoiler Alert**)

After seeing this movie with my husband, I knew I would have to write a critique.  The movie, quite frankly reads like a fairy tale.  Which is unfortunate, because love isn't a fairy tale. The couple has known each other since knowing growing up as children.  They get married and move to D.C. to start their lives together as adults.  Once outside of their environment is where the turmoil begins.

In my opinion, the movie is quite unfair because the way in which the lives of these characters are framed is very static and fixed.  The "inexperienced church girl" meeting characters in the real world seems all too familiar.  If you read my previous blog, you understand that I was born and raised in church.  So watching this story was a bit nostalgic because I could identify with Judith (in some respects).  The only difference is that Judith never steps out of her "box" and it is because of her not acquiring "worldly experience" is why she falls victim to the fate that has been pre-determined for her before the plot even unfolds.

Many would say that the way Judith's life turned out is her fault alone.  Some would say, "She should have remained faithful to her husband who she had been with since childhood," or, "That she took him for granted by thinking that the grass was possibly greener on the other side."  Admittedly all of this may have been true, but many who foster these opinions have neglected to consider the nature of depravity, and how it causes those who are not exposed to the ways of the world are rendered gullible and "starry-eyed" to things that others would merely laugh at.  

It's sad to say that lots of "church girls" fall victim to the "wiles of the world."  Honestly, it has little to do with the "wiles of the world" than with the utter lack of exposure and lack of KNOWLEDGE about the way the world actually works.  The fear of venturing out and learning about the way the world works keeps those entrapped and fixated to what they think is safe...all things church, all things God. In the case of Judith, it's perplexing to me that although she went off to college and even graduate school she still had no "worldly experience."  And I think when I mention "worldly experience" many think that it means adopting the mores, ethos, and principles of the world...nothing could be further from the truth.  To me, worldly experience is merely life experience.  To truly know how something works, is to wield knowledge as a resource to then have the power to self-determine, to then choose what you truly want for yourself.   That's what's so sad about Judith.  It is because she had no worldly experience (life experience), that her lack of knowledge was exploited by a man that saw that she had marital uncertainty.

It's unfair that it seems that Judith assumes the bulk of the responsibility when it comes to the way that her marriage turns out, because anyone in a relationship knows that it takes two to be in a good OR bad relationship.  In the case of Judith's marriage, her husband is emotionally inattentive.  This is a grave mistake.  He takes Judith for granted...forgetting her birthday TWO YEARS IN A ROW.  Her attempts to spruce up their sex life gets shot down....this is a grave mistake.  One (I think) that solidifies her decision to emotionally and physically exit her marriage.  The lack of communication in her marriage overall is problematic, because Judith is NOT communicating her NEEDS and DESIRES to her husband (who has NO clue)...but a lot of the non-communication had to do with being seduced by a perceived way out.  

The nature of seduction rests on what the one being seduced is lacking or THINK that they are lacking; and the one seducing knows this...exploits it.  In this case, the social media investor was able to successfully implant that she was severely lacking in her marriage because he knew that she lacked experience up to and including her marriage.  He got her to doubt the love and commitment for her husband.  It is only when she believed it, did it become true for her.  I believe if Judith had more life experience, although she would have probably been flattered by the advances of the social media mogul, it wouldn't have been enough to get her to revoke the years of relationship with her husband.  With more life experience, the advances might have been a catalyst to turn more deeply into her marriage relationship.  However, her lack of experience was exploited by the investor to widen the disconnection between her husband.  He was successfully able to convince her that she was severely lacking the love that she deserved in her marriage, simply because she had no experience to discern what was real and what was implanted in her psyche, through powerful suggestion, by him.

What's sad about the story of Judith is that it's actually true.  Many "church girls" are taught to NOT venture out into the world, but usually end up there by default.  And what's sad is that these girls are turned ALL THE WAY OUT because they've been locked up and locked out of the world that most human beings live in.  Instead of being taught the truth about the world, and the way in which life interaction works, they're taught to not mingle with it.  Does that makes sense?  How is it possible to live in the world, as a human being, and not understand the principles of the world in which you live?  And please don't confuse understanding the world, with internalizing the mores of the world.  To understand something doesn't mean to choose it.  But to NOT understand something, to not be able to recognize it, is dangerous.  And this is what makes Judith's story so unfair to me.  SHE ends up with HIV.  SHE ends up alone.  SHE ends up just like her mother (fundamentalist, myopic, boxed) something that she never wanted for herself.  But then again, the deck was stacked against her from the beginning it seems.  So.  This movie is the PERFECT cautionary tale for those "church-folk" who like everything over-simplified...black and white.  But for those who live in the "real world" who know that life (and love) is faceted, and aren't afraid to live beyond prescribed boundaries, this movie may be problematic because the real culprit in "Temptation" is not Judith, or even the one who seduces her.  It's her lack of knowledge and overall life experience to make informed, responsible choices that empower herself and ultimately her marriage.

     

" A Matter of Love: A Church Girl's Perspective"

This blog is dedicated to many friends (and family) who struggle to be who they are because they are ahead of their time.  May you find the courage to be your authentic selves and know that you are loved by God as you are.


I come from a world steeped in church culture. I was born and raised C.O.G.I.C. (Church of God In Christ) with roots in the Baptist and Apostolic faiths. Growing up, church was all I knew...oh yeah...and school. Venturing out into the world revealed how closed-minded, sheltered, and quite frankly deprived I was.  Once outside of the bubble of church culture, I learned to challenge many of the things I had been taught.  I learned that people use religion to control others.  That some of the things that I had been taught were wrong...because it was steeped in fear.  Yes I had faith, but what good is faith in a world where you have to interact with living, breathing people. People who come from different walks of life, different perspectives, and yes different orientations.  What does that faith translate to when you can't adequately convey it, because you refuse to see people for who they are?

Lately, while having conversations with complete strangers I have been asked, out the blue, what my religion is.  At the times I was asked, I became extremely uncomfortable because I believe that religion is inadequate and ineffective.  To me, religion is an institution that has historically been used for political purposes of mass control...and presently it hasn't seemed to change.  I adamantly reject religion.  Rather, I consider myself a Believer that has a relationship with God.  I (try) to subscribe to the "Law of Love."  It is this law that was referred to by Jesus when he stated:

                "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with

                all your mind.  This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it:

                'Love your neighbor as yourself.'   All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two 

                commandments.”  (Matthew 22:37(b)-40).

Essentially, this sums up the essence of what the Believer should be striving to achieve in their walk with God.  All the "extras" that "Christians" like to tack on, and the axioms they disproportionately put weight on (because of their need to control) suddenly becomes irrelevant. Now that I've laid the foundation for my personal beliefs let me discuss same sex love....as I see it........ 

The problem as I see it is that sexuality is not something that is celebrated, valued, and understood.  It is not embraced as a God-given part of the human anatomy (as an arm or leg is a part of one's physical anatomy).  Often sexuality is seen as a disconnected, disjunctive element-- it is a separate, non integrated part of a human being.  From birth, children are taught to repress sexual feelings. Girls are told to, "Stop being fast!" or boys called "manish."  These situations aren't used to teach children about their God-given sexuality and when and how it should be expressed.  Instead, they are taught that sexual feelings are inappropriate because of the discomfort and trepidation often transferred by adults (because they too were repressed as children).  It is this angst in approaching matters of sexuality (and sexual feelings) to our children that subconsciously teaches that sexuality is a "bad thing."  If there was a "re-orientation" in the way sexuality is viewed, same sex love wouldn't be seen as something immoral or dirty.  It would be seen as yet another avenue of sexual expression..

So.  If sexual (heterosexual) feelings are taught to be repressed.... what of sexual feelings towards those of the same sex? This question could probably be a thesis paper.  I personally believe that the discomfort with our bodies (since it is the primary means of expressing sexuality) stems from the Puritan lineage that pervades our nation's psyche.  But honestly it shouldn't matter who you love.  It only matters how you love.  I know of those who subject themselves to relationships they wouldn't choose to be in so that they outwardly conform to social standards and accepted mores.  Inwardly these types of people are conflicted and are living a blatant lie.  It's funny (not really) that there are some more accepting of a heterosexual couple where one of the partners are being physically and emotionally abused, but would condemn a same-sex couple who respect and healthily affirm each other.  So then what is the sin? Is a relationship not deemed legitimate because of the members in it?  Or rather is a relationship defined by the way in which those IN the relationship relate (treat) each other???

Let me also say this. Sexuality is not concrete. It is a flexible thing that is influenced and constructed by social, biological, and environmental circumstances. I personally know of those who had same-sex partners throughout college, who are now married and/or romantically involved with those of the opposite sex. And what of those "straight" men who go into the prison system never before questioning their sexuality, but during the course of their incarceration engage in same-sex sexual activities that persist even after their incarceration. Other examples include women who have been jerked around by men during the course of their romantic relationships, and decide to instead seek women as a viable option to fill the need for companionship. Yet another example includes those who have been molested as children (either by a same sex relative, or not) who become sexually imprinted during a time where mental and emotional capabilities have not been fully developed, but an affinity for one of the same sex left nonetheless. And then there are those who have none of the previously described experiences, but have always known that they have been attracted to those of the same sex. The reasons why a person is attracted to those of the same sex is unimportant, and need not be justified, as those who are heterosexual are not scrutinized to justify the nature of their attraction. 

The fact that there are those who deny, hate, and lie about their identities in order to project an "acceptable standard" is disheartening.  Same sex loving people live in a world where they are not allowed to be their authentic selves.  Same-sex loving people are members of the very institutions that oppress them.  They are then forced to lie about who they are, at their core, in an attempt to gain social acceptance.  However, it is these lies that erode their HUMANITY.  This is the sin. Fear.  There is more fear being taught across the pulpits of America than Love, and this is the sin.  Fear is used to control and contain.  Love liberates.  It is fear that pervades America.  The fear to declare (unapologetically) who you authentically are, because of social/religious standards that derive from a system of oppression, is a sin.  To use religion to oppress any group of people is a SIN.  And what makes it worse is that Blacks who are all too familiar with the spirit of oppression (and the social and religious systems used to promulgate and codify this oppression) are so eager to jump on the bandwagon of homophobia, and oppress those who identify with same-sex love.  Is it that easy to identify with oppressive paradigms when you have been (still are) being oppressed by the same machine???   This is an ultimate sin.

I will end this post with a personal story and conversation that I had with a friend of mine.  First the story.  I was in a church service where I noticed a transgendered woman was seated.  At the benediction, when the congregation was instructed to hold hands with their neighbors, nobody would hold her hand. So sad.  She obviously came to fellowship with those that she should have been able to receive love and acceptance from, but did not receive it.  But there are those who would condemn her for choosing to be romantically involved with someone who would provide her that love and acceptance.  Some "church folk" are really backward to me!  There is no maturity or evolution in their levels of consciousness.   The conversation that I had with my friend revealed that she really wants to raise her children to know God, and that she wants to be able to take her family to worship among other "Believers."  The only thing is is that she knows that she wouldn't be welcomed as a woman in a committed, same sex relationship.  I told her that there are progressive congregations that welcome same sex loving individuals, and she said that she identifies with the Black Church, and already knows their stance about the issue of same sex love.  She's caught in a very hard place.

To understand the crux of Jesus' mission and message, is to observe that He never required those he healed, delivered, or served to change who they were at the core.  He loved and accepted them for whatever they were.  He never tried to control them or make them be what He desired...he actually gravitated to those considered to be "socially undesirable."  He genuinely loved all He encountered.  In fact, Jesus transformed HIMSELF to be of service to those He served.  The real consternation surrounding the same sex issue is at the core an issue of control.  No one has the right to dictate what a legitimate love relationship looks like.  If two individuals commit themselves to each other, and their actions are consistent with that commitment, then no one (institution or person alike) has the right to challenge that...period.  Especially when heterosexual relationships are not questioned, with their members having a history of little to no commitment...

Lessons In Rejection

"Human validation makes us human, but the lack thereof makes us no less human" (Nicolia Kelly).



"But you know what really gets me?  It's the yuppies that live in Lake View and Lincoln Park.  Their rich (living off their parents money) and they don't know how to drive."

On another occasion, more comments sounded like this:

"Most of the people in law school don't deserve to be there. They just have money and have bought their way in.  Everyone in college isn't smart.  Most people in college aren't the smartest in the tool shed."

These words, uttered by my team lead wasn't knew to me.  Actually this was a conversation that wasn't new to any of us.  She talks about how privileged "yuppies" are.  How they got everything they wanted without having to work for anything.  But the person spewing these comments clearly had a chip on her shoulder, and everyone knew it.  Working with paralegals and attorneys, co-workers often share their experience of law school, or intentions to go.  After intense conversation about this subject, it was finally revealed that Sarah* applied to several law schools and was rejected from all of them.  This was the chip on her shoulder.

This revelation proved to be a huge "a-ha!" moment and once uttered we all understood the root of her bitterness.  I then began to contemplate on my own life and wondered what type of person I'd be if I had allowed rejection to determine what type of person I'd become.  Let me share my story:

The prospect of going away to college was VERY exciting for me.  Not just because I would be the first college graduate, but because I'd be able to fulfill my dream of joining an organization that, since my sophomore year in high school, I'd been thoroughly researching.  An organization of collegiate women who were committed to service.  My first opportunity I had to join this organization I would JUMP on it; it was something that was impressed upon my heart. My first chance came to join and I couldn't because those biology courses that I enrolled in (hey I declared a major in pre-med initially!!!!) just didn't work out, and adversely affected my G.P.A.  I was told to get my grades up and try again...and I did....again, and again, and again--every year until the end of my college career, to no avail.  Every time new members of the organization were introduced to campus, I managed to keep my composure--I really had no choice!  But on the inside there were a WHIRLWIND of questions.  What was wrong with me?  Why was I constantly being denied something that I persistently went after?  What qualities did the other members who were accepted into the organization have that I didn't?

To really understand the anguish that I was experiencing, one would have to know that I'd heard "yes" my entire life.  From auditioning to get into the Midwest's sole performing arts high school, to being inducted into honor societies my middle and high school academic career, it was only natural that I'd come to college and continue this history of excellence which was a standard for me prior to entering college.  Despite having references from other high ranking members already in the organization (as well as references from college professors) membership into this organization was always denied me. I couldn't understand for the life of me what the current members of the organization wanted from me.  What did I need to show that I was worthy?  That I qualified?  Obviously the qualifications of membership were not REALLY the qualifications because on paper I qualified (other members who recommended me for membership thought so).  So what was I missing?

Only after graduating from college was I able to FULLY learn the lesson, and escape the bitterness of the young lady mentioned at the beginning.  Rejection is never about the person being rejected. Rejection can positively transform....but only if you learn and accept the lesson. If I had internalized the rejection of being denied membership year after year, semester after semester, I would have been just as bitter as the young woman discussed earlier.  And believe me it was hard!  Especially (as in my case) when you're not given any reason for the rejection.  Hearing "no" year after year, semester after semester forced me to evaluate who I was based on standards that were MINE not theirs.  Before entering college I was taught to do things (like make the honor roll; study hard; do well on your SAT's/ACT's; all so that you fit in to preferable social spaces (i.e. college). The experience of this constant rejection, while in college, forced me to ask if membership to this organization reflected me needing to fit in, or rather something that dovetailed an authentic, confident perspective that I already maintained for myself.  It forced me to reflect on what I thought about MYSELF.  No longer could I depend on acceptance into certain social spaces to determine my worth...or dictate who I was.  Would I let membership (or a lack thereof) detract from what and who I knew I was?  This experience caused me to own MYSELF for MYSELF, and not use an organization to cloak or crutch my existence.  Granted, I didn't seek membership for this purpose (to hide from myself), but I doubt that I would have had this revelation of myself because the need for self-introspection would not have existed if I'd been accepted into the organization (as I thought I would be).  Ultimately this rejection gave me a level of freedom that I didn't realize I needed.....the freedom from public opinion.  Before this incident I was always successful in every endeavor that I sought.  But this unique incident made me question if I was successful only because of the validation I'd get from the success, or because it was something that I truly wanted...for myself.  Choosing to be bitter would only confirm that I believed their opinion about me.  The constant denial of membership, while it hurt, doesn't decree or bear relevance to what I know to be true about who I am as a person....the core of my being.  This is the lesson I learned from rejection.  What's yours???